


Teaser: A Spy AU: Diamond's are an Alien's Best Friend

by DSandman



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Gen, Spies & Secret Agents, teaser
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 19:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19933609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DSandman/pseuds/DSandman
Summary: John: washed up at 26, gets one more chance at an interesting life and get's roped into a secret plot that puts the whole universe in peril.





	Teaser: A Spy AU: Diamond's are an Alien's Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> This plot's been eating at me for a bit, so I penned up a first scene to try and gauge some interest.

John stood in the liminal space of waiting for your coffee after you ordered it. Idly standing or leaning against a railing, not wanting to sit down, lest your name get called and you look like a fool having to stand up again immediately afterward.

The awkward moment thankfully didn’t last very long, as the friendly looking young ‘barista’ smiled and handed him a plain black coffee. The cheapest thing on the chalkboard menu. John half-smiled, gave a curt nod and grabbed his drink, quickly turning on his heel, so the casual interaction didn’t overstay its welcome.

He picked a stool at the counter facing the window outside the cafe. John liked to watch the people go about their day in the more central parts of London, where the storefronts were shiny and sleek. He didn’t get out this way very often. Despite technically living in “Greater London” (whatever that means) it was a bit of a hike from his pad. When he did find himself here when doing a show in a small pub or for a birthday party or whatever, he felt it gave him a taste of the high-life (or at the very least the upper-middle class life), even if that taste came on the back of a cheap wooden coffee-stirrer.

John vacantly looked out towards the street as the white noise of the generic pop music played over the shop’s speakers. He caught a glimpse of himself in the laminated glass window, emblazoned with some coffee brand logo he didn’t care for.

John’s hazel eyes were tired. More tired, he imagined, than most, despite it being around 8 o’clock in the morning. Dark circles presented below them on his olive skin. His black-brown hair was terribly messy; tangled and generally unkempt, reminding John he hadn’t had mind to shower that morning, just rolling out of bed and throwing some comfortable threads on. He hastily ran his hand through it, in a vain attempt to wrangle it a bit, so he didn’t look like quite as much of a slob. It didn’t really work.

Rather than continue to be reminded of his haggard appearance, he pulled out his phone from his pocket, the screen cracked from seven too many bad drops and swiped through his notifications; Credit card offer. Credit card offer. Refinance your car (don’t even have one). Credit card offer. No texts. No messages from dad. Not even a like on Twitter.

He sighed deeply, turning his phone over and laying his head on the back of his hands. Just as he did so,the device vibrated and his friend Dave’s name appeared above a text message;

DAVE: Hey Johnny boy. Happy Birthday! I don’t think my sick gift came in the post yet, but it should be any day now. You’ll fuckin’ love it, I swear.

Birthday?? Fuck. John had forgotten his own bloody birthday. Time sure does fly by when life’s constant rigors apply constant pressure to your menial existance.

JOHN: Thanks buddy. Is it another gag gift? I’m gonna run outta room in my jokes chest. :P

DAVE: No way, man! No more kids stuff like gag gifts. You’re 26 now! You’re not just an adult, you’re like. A real adult.

John’s smile fell a bit. Even in his best friends jovial tone, seeing those numbers stung quite a bit. 26. Closer to 30 than 20. Closer to 40 than 10. John picked one of his business cards out of his pocket;

Professional magician. Really? Was that what he was going with? Was that the path he wanted for the rest of his life? Hadn’t shown much promise so far.

John picked his phone back up and started tapping a reply to Dave, but he beat him to it.

DAVE: Sorry, can’t talk longer John, I gotta get to work. Slept in pretty bad. I’ll catch you later!

John sent a rather sullen “Ok, bye” followed by a completely false smile emoji, so as to not betray his mood. He didn’t want Dave to worry about him while he was busy doing whatever he does for a living.

Probably something cool, like, ‘EDM Musician’ or ‘Comic Artist’ or something. Something worthwhile and well-paying.

John shook his coffee cup, judging that there weren’t enough dregs left to try and finish. He stood up and tossed the cup at the trash can lazily. It missed and landed on the floor with a dull, foamy, thunk. John intended to keep walking out the door, pretending he didn’t notice his bad aim, but the seething glare of an underpaid busboy made him rethink his littering. He bent down, picking it up and placing it gingerly in the can.

A brisk breeze caught John’s face as he stepped out of the cafe. He pulled up his collar close around his face. As he put his frigid hands back into his pockets, he felt the familiar vibrations of a phone call. Dave? No, Dave never calls. No one ever calls really.

Sure enough that’s just who was on the phone. No one. Hidden number. No caller ID.

John mulled over whether or not to answer. As he mulled, it became increasingly apparent this call wasn’t going to go to voicemail.

He tapped the phone symbol on the broken screen.

“Hello?”

“Hello, John. Don’t hang up this call.”

John was even more perplexed now, bordering on startled. To be honest, if the female voice on the other end of the line wanted to keep him connected, calling him by his name probably wasn’t the best bet. John decided to humor them anyway. That’s what he was good at, wasn’t it?

“Who am I speaking to?”

The women avoided the question.

“John, I need you to do something for me. It is very important.”

John listened with suspicion, but didn’t respond.

“Do you see a black car on the farside of the road with a puncture?”

John looked around and almosts immediately noticed a black 4-door Maserati with a humbled stance, clearly due to a flat rear driver’s side tyre. His heart skipped a beat. What the fuck? How did they know that?

“This is a matter of National Security, John.”

John stepped out from under the awning in front of the cafe and started scanning for someone on a phone.

“What??? National sec- What are you talking about?? Where are you? Who are you?? You’ve still not told me!”

The voice replied immediately with a sterner tone.

“We’ll tell you who we are when the time is right. Now, the time is right for you to do as we say.”

John, at this point more than a tad scared, shut up and listened again.

“Inside the back seat of the car is a black briefcase. Take it.”

No way. John was not going to steal a black briefcase from a black car especially now that he took note of the occupants pacing around it. Surrounding the car were three large men, easily 4 inches above him, and a towering woman. A woman sporting an all black outfit, including large black shades and a black scarf around her nose and mouth, who’s immense height, increased by large military boots and a tall black hat with a wide brim, was almost inhuman.

He ducked back under the awning.

“Are you out of your mind??? I couldn’t take a briefcase from a baby let alone three gorillas and that human skyscraper!!”

John quickly, came to a conclusion, puffed up his chest and retorted with spite to the woman on the phone.

“Oh, so that’s how it is. Wise guy- err girl! Trying to get myself crushed by some thugs so you can post it on a youtube compilation. How’d you get my number? Where are you??”

John’s smirk faded as the voice didn’t respond for a moment.

“John. I wouldn’t be calling on you if I didn’t have faith in your abilities to do what I ask of you. You are far more capable than you know.”

Johns shoulders fell again. At this point he had no idea what was going on. He just wanted to have a simple day of moping about shops he couldn’t afford. Now some mysterious slag’s trying to give him a pep talk and convince him to commit a felony.

“We don’t have much time, John. I need an answer.”

John thought hard. Harder than he’s thought in a while. At least since this morning when he decided on whether or not to put the extra creamer in his coffee.

“What’s in it for me?”

“There will be a reward of £25,000 when you complete this task.”

John bit his lip. He bounced in place. He looked at the car. Then at his phone. Then at the sky, as if God might give him a big celestial thumbs up.

He looked at the car one more time. The 3 men were fumbling with the tire and the woman was texting on her phone. They were all facing away from John.

It’s now or never, John told himself, thoughts of life imprisonment filling his mind.

It’s now or never.

Now.

Or never.

Fuck it.

~~~

John pocketed his phone and made a break across the busy avenue for the rear passenger side door. The heavy door swung open and in the middle of the seat lay a black briefcase, as the woman had said. Just lying there. Unprotected. John grabbed the handle and ducked out of the car.

Except he didn’t.

The briefcase was handcuffed to the seat.

The sudden activity behind them caught the attention of the vehicles owners, who all turned to face the comparatively small british-indian boy who’d just tried to knick something from their sedan.

John stuttered out a very impish “Hey, lads. Bit brisk, innit?”

They appeared unsure of how to respond, until the woman responded for them.  
“Get that rat.”

The closest man lunged towards John, his massive bear-like hands aiming for a purchase on John’s throat.

Before John even knew what he did, he’d ducked out of the way, easily sidestepping the hulking brute. The next came at him in a similar way. John deftly dodged his grapple as well, tripping him up and sending the man to the hard pavement.

John, was stunned. Forget martial arts of any sorta he’d never even done gymnastics, yet he was seeming to weave about these men like it was instinct. Regardless of his new-found litheness, John was still in a pickle. He lost the element of surprise and he was now surrounded, and he had no way to separate the briefcase from the car. He needed to get that briefcase, but more importantly, he had to remain alive.

The men seemed intent on not letting either of those occur, however. The first bloke was back on his feet and was carefully approaching John from behind, while the fresh faced bruiser was bracing for a strike from the front. John noticed the pincer movement, just as the two still standing men lunged for him, and he came upon a sudden idea.

Like a ballet dancer, or err- a very agile rugby player, John spun around the assailant behind him and pushed him towards the attacker in front. They collided in a jumble of arms, but quickly righted themselves. They about-faced, and stood shoulder to shoulder, angrily glaring down their target…

...who was waving their car keys in front of them.

“I hope you got that puncture fixed!”

John quickly hopped into the vehicle, popped it into drive and dropped his foot on the accelerator. The Ferrari V8 growled ravenously as the tires squealed, leaving the fuming bunch in his literal smoke.

Adrenaline pumping, John sat back in the driver’s seat as he made his way farther from the crime scene. He pressed the power button on the radio to play some congratulatory tunes and reached for his phone. Now that he was scot-free, he needed to find out what on earth he was supposed to do with this bloody briefcase. As to reassure himself of his success, John blindly reached behind him, fumbling around in the back seat to try and feel that the case was there. He grabbed something. It decidedly didn’t feel like a briefcase though.

At the next stoplight John turned around and yelped audibly.

In the back seat, leaning forward, sat the towering women from earlier.

“Ya know, usually...”

She removed her scarf, revealing a pearly white fanged grin, and her sunglasses revealing a pair of yellowed eyes, the left of which seemed to have seven pupils.

“...guys, will offer to 8uy me dinner 8efore driving me home. >::::)”

**Author's Note:**

> The final work would be very john-centric, but'll feature almost all of the main characters. Trolls are in it as aliens(obviously) and you could expect all of the hivebent trolls as well as both the alpha and beta kids (although the Alpha kids might not be 'kids' anymore).
> 
> If you have any criticisms or questions, feel free to comment!


End file.
